I'm telling you, Psycho Steve,
we don't have Ragin' Cajun wings.
Over right here on the menu.
Look, this is Wayne's Sports Bar.
I'm Wayne.
I wrote this menu and there is
no friggin' Ragin' Cajun wings wings.
Would you like French dressing with those?
That would be sweet.
Did you change the menu again?
Yes. Do you love it?
Stephanie, I don't like it when you undercut my authority.
You embarrassed me in front of Psycho Steve.
I'm sorry. I meant to tell you,
I've just been very busy re-designing our new logo.
What? No, I love our logo.
But remember when you thought that you loved poker night
until we figured out that you didn't?
[Sighs] Good point.
She totally railroaded you.
No, that is just the way marriage works.
Stephanie could explain it to you.
Hmm.
- Hey, Mom. - Hi, Mom.
Hey, kids.
I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd bring you lunch.
It's artisanal ham and brie.
Ooh, I love ham and brie.
Oh, I just have the one sandwich, honey.
It's on sprouted whole wheat.
- Oh, well, I don't eat wheat. - I do.
But it's whole wheat.
Yeah, but I don't eat any kind of wheat.
Well I don't know why you work so hard to push love away.
Okay, you know what? I'll take it home
for Gretchen to eat tonight for diner.
Oh, she said she was gonna grab a bite at the movies.
- The movies? - You know how they have
those rotating hot dogs.
Yeah, but I told her
to stay home and finish her paper.
- Well, nobody told me. - I told you.
Honey, there's no point in telling me things
if I don't hear them.
She is driving me crazy!
I mean, yeah, she gave me a place to stay,
but it's with her.
I'm seeing a psychiatrist to help me
deal with all the stress I've been going through
since I lost everything.
Of course, part of the stress
is that I can't tell my mother I'm seeing a psychiatrist,
because she's a psychologist who hates psychiatrists.
Psychiatrist, huh? Is he hot?
If you're into bald guys with ear hair.
- Go on. - [Laughs]
Well, he told me at my last session
that he wants me to bring my entire family
with me to my next session,
which will only make me more nuts,
which will lead to more sessions.
He's totally gonna get a book out of this.
Wait, how can you afford a psychiatrist
on what Wayne's paying you?
Oh, I just worked out this barter thing with him.
He gives me free sessions,
and I help him with his portfolio.
And by "portfolio," you mean?
Stocks and bonds.
By "stocks and bonds," you mean?
Investment instruments. I can do this all day.
I bet you can do it all night too.
- You need therapy. - No, not me.
When I'm stressed at work,
like, dealing with an aggressive dog,
or worse, chatty, old people, I go to my happy place.
- Here, take the wheel. - What?
Dina, what are you doing?
I just close my eyes, and I think
about my little paradise.
I hear the waves crashing offshore.
I feel the sun in my face. I smell the jasmine.
Dina!
Oh, there's the pool boy, Alejandro.
Hola, Alejandro. Did you miss me?
Okay, Dina, I totally get it.
Can you just... Can you grab the wheel please?
Save my place,papi.
Okay, now you go.
[Sighs]
This is lovely.
Wheat thin?
Oh, my God!
Hey, can I go to Lily and Zoe's?
- Did you do your homework? - No.
- Then no. - You know,
I could have lied to you and told you I did.
Yeah, that would have been the smarter play.
I finished my homework.
Timing, honey, timing.
Hi, sweetie.
Mom, we need to talk.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist.
No!
Well, how long has this been going on?
For a couple of months now.
I knew it.
I found a business card in the washing machine,
but I didn't want to believe it.
- Is it serious? - I don't know.
He seems to be helping.
Well, if he's making you happy.
Anyway, he wants you to come in for a family session.
Ha! I know how this game is played.
That's code for "blame the mother."
That's what they always do when they're out of ideas.
Okay, well, does 3:00 tomorrow work for you?
'Cause it works for us.
Us?
Okay. Welcome, everyone.
Okay, before we begin, can I just say
how proud I am of Jennifer, who is finally
seeking the help that we have all known she's needed
for a very long time.
A very long time. So brave.
Thank you, Stephanie. Now, we're all here
because someone in the family is feeling
like they're under a lot of stress,
and I think that person should speak first.
Well...
[All speaking at once]
Guys, I think he was referring to me.
Isn't it interesting how quickly the psychiatrist
lost control of the session?
[All speaking at once]
[Air horn blows]
Thank you.
Oh, I have this for my prison group.
Well, do you have it in a lower heel?
Mom, what are you doing?
Trying to get something accomplished
during this session.
Now, I see a lot of crosscurrents
in the family dynamic.
Let's try an exercise.
I'm going to present you with some family roles,
and I want each of you to claim the one you most identify with.
That old chestnut?
We have the caretaker, the appeaser,
the hero, the scapegoat, the lost child.
I'll go first.
Let's see.
So for a long time, I was the family hero,
- and it was alwa... - Wait, why are you the hero?
Why am I not the hero?
- Knock yourself out. - Oh, honey,
the family hero is a lot of pressure.
Maybe you want to be the family appeaser.
If that's what everyone wants, I guess so.
Is there one for family prisoner?
Wayne, I see your wife has chosen
your family role for you.
- Oh, he's fine with it. - Are you, Wayne?
- I think Wayne would say... - Let's let Wayne answer.
What's one thing you want in your life right now, Wayne?
I don't know.
Anything. This is a safe place.
- Wayne often doesn't know... - I want more power!
[Chuckles] No, you don't.
I can't believe I said that.
Maybe that's enough power.
It's just that, you know, since I lost everything,
I've been feeling like a failure.
No, you haven't.
Mom, I know how I feel.
Not in my experience.
Remember when you were three,
and you thought you were afraid of the dark?
Turned out you just needed a haircut.
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.
I mean, she's a therapist.
She deals with family crisis every day,
and yet she can't see anything wrong in her own family.
I mean, she turned my fear into spiky bangs.
It was adorable. You looked like
- one of those spice girls. - Oh, boy.
I hate to break off now. We're doing really good work.
Eh.
I'd like to give you all some homework assignments,
and we can check in next week and see how you're progressing.
Come back? Seriously?
Can't you just give me a pill?
Wayne, your assignment is to claim your power.
Pick something you want and follow through on it.
And, Stephanie, your assignment is to support him uncritically.
Oh, no, I don't think that's the best...
Uncritically.
Jennifer, your daughter seems to feel
trapped right now.
I invite you
to set Gretchen free for a week.
She still has to go to school, she can't get arrested,
but other than that, she's free to make her own decisions.
Really?
I mean, I guess we could try that for a week.
My first decision is that I am out of here.
We still have five minutes.
I don't.
Okay.
Jennifer and Maggie, I think you two started
a dialogue that was very promising.
Your assignment is to continue it.
I want you to go on a date together,
and I encourage you to talk about things
that might be a little uncomfortable.
No! Gah!
Why did I have to open my big, fat mouth?
My biggest source of stress is being around my mother,
and the solution is to spend more time with her?
Awesome.
Thank you.
- All right. - Thank you.
- We'll check back in next week. - Okay.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Family sessions are tough.
You let me know when you'd like me to take the lead.
I'll do that.
Florida state.
I was so curious to find out
what "claim your power" would be, Wayne.
So surprised to find it would mean
putting a karaoke machine in a sports bar
during the playoffs, when people like sports.
I want to thank you all for coming out.
I guess the gist of that last song is
love is a battlefield... At least, that was my takeaway.
Look, honey, you had a good idea,
and I really support you, but I think
you're kind of destroying the business.
We're gonna lose our shirts, and I'm really, really scared!
- And supportive. - Don't worry.
There's a solution to all of this.
- Good. - I just have to figure out
what that is.
This next song is for all the lovers out there.
Come on, it's a sports bar.
I will cut you, Richard.
I'm just not sure about Dr. Wessman's plan for Gretchen.
I mean, what if she gets into some sort of trouble?
Oh, don't worry.
Children think they want freedom,
but they actually love boundaries.
I'll bet you she's just moping around the house
right this minute.
Yeah! Whoo!
I'm sure you're right. Let's just...
Let's get started on our homework.
Let's talk about uncomfortable things.
I'll start.
Did you ever, you know, have any setbacks
in your career, like a client left you
and you didn't know why or something
that left you feeling vulnerable and unsure of yourself?
You know, I never did.
What about when you and Dad split up
and you were on your own?
I mean, that must have made you feel something.
Well, like anybody else would, I felt...
I... I...
I...
Is that moussaka?
Oh, yes.
It's delicious. Do you want a bite?
Oh, no, no, I'm just curious.
Everything looks so good. Do you eat here often?
Oh, first time. We're from Tulsa.
Tulsa. Fascinating.
They're from Tulsa, Jennifer.
Mom, we really should get back to our conv...
And we will, we will,
but when are we gonna meet people from Tulsa?
Why do I even try?
That's not a rhetorical question.
Honestly, does anybody know?
So the sergeant says,
"most of the men use the camel to ride into town."
- Oh! - [Laughter]
Oh, Stan, how delightfully ribald.
You're too funny. Aren't they funny, dear?
Mom, that joke was incredibly racist.
Oh, lighten up.
Oh.
[Whispering] Jennifer.
Let's switch. I like yours better.
And once again, instead of showing any vulnerability,
my mother found some gimmick to distract herself with.
Some gimmick? They were people, Jennifer.
Lovely people from the heartland.
Yeah, okay, I'm not gonna say how the evening ended,
but I heard giggling and cool jazz
coming from the end of the hall.
Wayne, what about you and Stephanie?
- Did you claim your power? - Oh, hells yeah!
I am killing it.
Stephanie?
Um, yeah, no, this has been a super fun week for me.
It's just been... It's been fun, fun, fun,
you know, letting Wayne do his thing,
and I couldn't be happier.
I'm having so much fun.
- Good. - Yeah, so I feel like
it was a good exercise, and we've done it,
and we can put it behind us, and we'll never do it again.
You two owe it to each other to let this play out.
You may be surprised what you discover.
Sorry I'm late. I just dropped in
to say I'm not doing this. My choice.
Oh, my God. Where did you get that tan?
Ooh, yeah, focus on the tan.
- As opposed to what? - See ya.
You better be doing your homework!
So, Jennifer, you were saying your mother
avoids difficult subjects.
Do you validate parking?
Let me try something different.
Maggie, why don't you tell us about your mother?
Here it comes. Blame the mother.
What about your mother, Carl?
Yeah, I googled you.
You were married three times.
What are you looking for, your mother?
Oh, boy, we are out of time,
but I want the two of you
to come in tomorrow for a double session.
I feel like we're on the brink
of something very important.
What? Remodeling your summer house?
Would you stop competing with him?
It's my hour.
This next one goes out to Alejandro, my cabana boy.
I'm sorry we quarreled, baby.
If you want to drink during the middle of the day,
that's your business.
♪ Oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪
Oh, my God, Wayne.
How did you get all these people back in here
with Lady Gag-gag up there?
So you know how happy hour
is always such a success for us?
Well, I thought, "let's have happy hour every hour!"
How do you like my new power?
♪ Bide ♪
♪ But come ye back ♪
Wayne, honey, you realize that happy hour's a loss leader
to suck customers in.
We actually lose money
with the free drinks and the free food.
I know, I know, but you have to spend money
- to make money. - Okay, let's be clear.
You're doing the first part without the second part.
What we lose in profit, we make up for in volume.
Okay, you want volume?
That's how much we're gonna lose tonight.
- Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh. - Mm.
Uh-huh. Okay, everybody out!
I can't believe I have to do
another one of these insufferable sessions.
I cancelled a salt scrub for this.
All right, you know what, Mom?
I am really sick of you being all pissy about my therapy.
I mean, is it too much for you to try and help me
instead of spending all your energy
trying to attack my therapist?
Boy, you're in a mood today.
Did you skip breakfast this morning?
All right, you know what? That's it.
We are not leaving this elevator until we get to something real.
You know, when I lost everything and had to move
back in with you, you threw me a party!
[Laughs] You know what I would have
really liked more, Mom?
If you would have just asked me what it felt like to fail.
I thought it was a nice party.
I failed, Mom!
- You didn't fail. - Yes, I did.
I did. I mean, why is it so hard
for you to admit that sometimes,
bad things happen in this family?
We're going to be late for the appointment.
No. No.
We are doing this. You're gonna admit it.
You are gonna look at me and tell me
your daughter screwed up.
This is ridiculous.
No.
- Tell me, Mom! - No!
[Screams]
Now we're stuck. Oh, God!
Okay, come on. Come on.
- Oh, God, oh God! - Come on!
All right, look, Mom, I know you get claustrophobic,
but don't panic, okay? I mean,
I don't want you to start fixating on the cable breaking.
I wasn't. Now I am.
Oh, help. Help, please!
Please, I don't want to die. Help, help!
Damn it. Still no service.
I can't breathe.
I'm trapped in a box, and I can't breathe.
No one even knows to look for us.
Mom, it's been three minutes.
You know what? Maybe I can fix it.
Hmm, let's see.
Yeah, I think this will work.
All right, I think this is it.
Yeah, that wasn't it.
We're gonna die here!
Pray with me, baby.
Oh, Lord, dear Lord, I know I have strayed,
as recently as last night,
- but please... - Hello?
- Who's that? - I'm your savior.
Oh, my God!
Oh, jocular sarcasm.
Yes, yes, hello.
We're two very attractive women trapped in an elevator.
That should get them moving.
Help is on its way.
It won't take more than a couple of hours at most.
We just have to coordinate the rescue team.
Why did he say "rescue team" and not "janitor"?
"Rescue team" is what they say to Chilean miners.
Yeah, we're not Chilean miners, Mom.
They're going to have to drill in,
get an air hose in here.
Cameras, so we can say good-bye to our loved ones.
Damn it, why didn't I write my memoirs?
♪ For you will bend and tell me that you love me ♪
♪ I'll sleep in peace ♪
♪ Till you come home to me ♪
How come nobody's crying?
Well, because everyone went to electronics store
to watch the game.
[Mouthing]
Stephanie, I figured it out.
I've come up with my next big idea.
Not your all-bacon menu?
Its time will come.
No. My idea is this:
I'm going to use my power to delegate to you
all of my power.
You're in charge with my power.
Wayne, this is the best decision you've ever made.
What... what are you... Oh, no!
[Screams] Oh!
Oh, no! No!
Now, clean that up, sweetie.
Okay.
Is it hard for you to live with me?
- Impossible. - Yeah.
I was thinking about that the other day.
It's hard to live with your mother.
God knows I couldn't live with mine.
Grandma? She was such a sweet lady.
She loved to laugh.
Yeah, she loved to laugh, all right.
When I was a little girl, whenever I got anything wrong,
she'd laugh at me and say, "don't you feel stupid?"
I can still hear her saying that.
Man, that sucks, Mom. I mean, you couldn't win.
No, it was easy.
All I had to do was never be wrong.
Wait a minute, that's it.
That's it, that's why you have
such a hard time being vulnerable.
- Oh, my God, Mom, wow, that's... - Okay, Oprah, okay.
Do you have any more of those mints?
No, you ate the last one.
Oh, well.
Mom, are you crying?
You have a sandwich?
I skipped lunch.
It's not like the world changed,
but after that, things got a little easier between us.
Bread?
Sure, Mom.
- Do we have an appointment? - I need you
to take my freedom away on our next family session.
- What? Why... - It's too much pressure.
I keep having to top myself.
I mean, that's what killed David Blaine.
- He's still alive. - Is he?
I need you to make it look like it's your idea
so that I don't look weak.
- But... - Say I'm out of control.
Say it's for my own good. Just...
I may protest, and I may even hit you,
but do not waver.
[Helicopter blades whirring]
That's my ride.
Let's take the stairs.
Good idea.
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